Happy F#$% Mother's Day

There seems to be a deeply sentimental Mother’s Day email poem going around.

Nothing against "those people” but I thought y'all might enjoy another version.

Here’s a sampling of the original:

Before I was a Mom,
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.

Yada yada yada.

Ok, just in case you’re not TOTALLY moved by that, here’s another version. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. And if you laugh just once you are not allowed to report me to DYS.

Before I was a Mom
I didn’t know the
Power of vodka
Or Percocet

Before I was a mom
I had a waist
And an I.Q.
I went shopping (for me, I mean)

Before I was a Mom
I “slept in”
Til noon
Not 7.

Before I was a Mom
I had sex
And enjoyed it.

I never ate
Cheerios off the floor
Because it was my only shot
At breakfast

Before I was a mom
I did not accidentally squirt people
(a nurse, my mother-in-law)
with my breast

Before I was a Mom
I was a vain, selfish,
But thin
Creature.

And it
Was fun.