Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Things I do while driving.

That MBTA driver texting his girlfriend while driving a subway trolley – and causing an accident injuring 50 people! What a horrendous story! The kind of thing that happens and you think – what an idiot! Texting while driving a subway car full of people!

Then a moment passes and you think: That could have been me. If I drove a subway, I mean.

We all do it. Driving distractions. My favorite driving distraction is getting angry at other drivers doing distracting things that I was just doing. Like talking on the cell phone. Drinking coffee. Reading. Making egg salad. You know. You all do it too.

In fairness to the publicly scorned MBTA driver (he had two previous speeding tickets! Criminal!) herewith a list of things I confess to have done while driving.

I have made and received phone calls
Made doctors appointments
Canceled doctors appointments
Canceled my paper for a vacation
Called my pet sitter
Called my pet
Eaten breakfast
Eaten lunch
Ordered dinner
Drank coffee
Filed my nails
Tweezed my eyebrows
Backed down
Had contractions
Taken drugs
Planned a wedding
Peed (yes, it’s true)
Farted (kidding – I’ve never farted)
Laughed again
Changed shoes
Changed clothes
Changed realtors

Things I have not yet done while driving:

Gotten divorced
Clipped my toenails
Switched seats
Done a paint by number
Ordered a cute bathing suit from a catalog
Changed the asset allocation in my 401(k)
Changed a diaper
Given birth
Given blood

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Happy F#$% Mother's Day

There seems to be a deeply sentimental Mother’s Day email poem going around.

Nothing against "those people” but I thought y'all might enjoy another version.

Here’s a sampling of the original:

Before I was a Mom,
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.

Yada yada yada.

Ok, just in case you’re not TOTALLY moved by that, here’s another version. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. And if you laugh just once you are not allowed to report me to DYS.

Before I was a Mom
I didn’t know the
Power of vodka
Or Percocet

Before I was a mom
I had a waist
And an I.Q.
I went shopping (for me, I mean)

Before I was a Mom
I “slept in”
Til noon
Not 7.

Before I was a Mom
I had sex
And enjoyed it.

I never ate
Cheerios off the floor
Because it was my only shot
At breakfast

Before I was a mom
I did not accidentally squirt people
(a nurse, my mother-in-law)
with my breast

Before I was a Mom
I was a vain, selfish,
But thin

And it
Was fun.