Monday, October 27, 2008

Terror in the Water

Remember that scene in Caddyshack, the one with the inadvertent Baby Ruth in the swimming pool? Recall the terror...the first time you witnessed a sample of - not a Baby Ruth - in a body of water. You probably fled, screaming. You showered, scrubbed, and it was months before you were able to go into the water again.

Now imagine the Baby Ruth is a lot bigger, and the swimming pool a lot smaller. And imagine it is not a Baby Ruth, but a big...fat...poo. If you are a parent, this particular episode is probably familiar to you.

My 22 month old son was happily playing in the tub while I was across the hall, changing the 5 month old. Yes. I know. My mother has already informed me how horrible this is; leaving him for a fraction of a second alone in the tub (It only takes a second for him to drown!) but I was eight feet away and could hear him. Besides, there are days when I wouldn't mind if he were silenced by his own bathwater. Kidding! I was within screaming distance.

These are the benefits of a house that you think is too small for you, but that contained a family with six children twenty years ago, before private pre-school, granite countertops and central AC. And jacuzzi bathtubs, thank God.

Anyway, there he was, happily entertaining the plastic killer whale when suddenly a blood curdling, hair curling, horror movie scream echoed from the chamber of his bath.

Mommy! Mommmmmmmmmmyyyy! Mommymommymommymommymommmyyyy!!!

Fearing my mother had at last been proven right and he had accidentally severed his own head while my back was turned, I threw the baby diaperless into his crib and rocketed into the bathroom to find...half a dozen disintegrating Baby Ruths bobbing innocently atop the water, lapping lazily against all the bath toys.

My son was standing, at the far end of the tub, as far away from the offending blobs as possible. He was screaming, terrified, I guess, because, these weird things were not only in his tub, they had come out of him. Imagine his surprise. Imagine his rage when I took in the situation and....laughed out loud. Bad mommy.

I have never in all his 22 months, seem him so upset. And yet, and yet...he still won't sit on the potty. I tried to tell him. You know, this wouldn't happen if you would just agree to be toilet trained. For god's sake man, even the dog doesn't do that!

And now it's not just the potty he avoids, but the tub too. Oh joy.

Did I mention I was home alone when it happened? Did I mention the diaperless 5 month who needed to be fed and clothed? Did I mention it was the joyous hour of 6:30? Did mention I was still in my work clothes...

When this happens to you, and you are so tired you can't see, and the last thing you feel like doing after working all day is cleaning someone else's poo out of the tub you had wanted to take a bath in but now won't be using for some time, and you think, this is so shitty (pun intended) it would be funny if I weren't about to cry...well....just remember, you're not alone.

And oh yeah, savor the moment, because "it goes by so fast."