Monday, October 27, 2008

Terror in the Water


Remember that scene in Caddyshack, the one with the inadvertent Baby Ruth in the swimming pool? Recall the terror...the first time you witnessed a sample of - not a Baby Ruth - in a body of water. You probably fled, screaming. You showered, scrubbed, and it was months before you were able to go into the water again.

Now imagine the Baby Ruth is a lot bigger, and the swimming pool a lot smaller. And imagine it is not a Baby Ruth, but a big...fat...poo. If you are a parent, this particular episode is probably familiar to you.

My 22 month old son was happily playing in the tub while I was across the hall, changing the 5 month old. Yes. I know. My mother has already informed me how horrible this is; leaving him for a fraction of a second alone in the tub (It only takes a second for him to drown!) but I was eight feet away and could hear him. Besides, there are days when I wouldn't mind if he were silenced by his own bathwater. Kidding! I was within screaming distance.

These are the benefits of a house that you think is too small for you, but that contained a family with six children twenty years ago, before private pre-school, granite countertops and central AC. And jacuzzi bathtubs, thank God.

Anyway, there he was, happily entertaining the plastic killer whale when suddenly a blood curdling, hair curling, horror movie scream echoed from the chamber of his bath.

Mommy! Mommmmmmmmmmyyyy! Mommymommymommymommymommmyyyy!!!

Fearing my mother had at last been proven right and he had accidentally severed his own head while my back was turned, I threw the baby diaperless into his crib and rocketed into the bathroom to find...half a dozen disintegrating Baby Ruths bobbing innocently atop the water, lapping lazily against all the bath toys.

My son was standing, at the far end of the tub, as far away from the offending blobs as possible. He was screaming, terrified, I guess, because, these weird things were not only in his tub, they had come out of him. Imagine his surprise. Imagine his rage when I took in the situation and....laughed out loud. Bad mommy.

I have never in all his 22 months, seem him so upset. And yet, and yet...he still won't sit on the potty. I tried to tell him. You know, this wouldn't happen if you would just agree to be toilet trained. For god's sake man, even the dog doesn't do that!

And now it's not just the potty he avoids, but the tub too. Oh joy.

Did I mention I was home alone when it happened? Did I mention the diaperless 5 month who needed to be fed and clothed? Did I mention it was the joyous hour of 6:30? Did mention I was still in my work clothes...

When this happens to you, and you are so tired you can't see, and the last thing you feel like doing after working all day is cleaning someone else's poo out of the tub you had wanted to take a bath in but now won't be using for some time, and you think, this is so shitty (pun intended) it would be funny if I weren't about to cry...well....just remember, you're not alone.

And oh yeah, savor the moment, because "it goes by so fast."

Right.

24 comments:

Alison said...

As traumatic as it is for the poor little victim, I think this scenario is preferable to any that involve poo fascination and/or befriending. My 15 month old, during his lone (knock on porcelain) Baby Ruth Experience, was immeasurably intrigued by his confection. Without going into gory detail, I'll just say that it is SO much messier this way.

It really is too bad that bathtubs make perfect toilets! Sure makes for some fun times though, doesn't it? I loved hearing your version--I'll never be able to look at our bathtub in the same light again!

Susan said...

Well I never had to clean poop out of the tub, but I did have to retrieve one from under one son’s bed, where his then 4 year old brother somehow managed to leave it. Not only was I totally disgusted, but was convinced he must have some serious psychological problem and would surely grow up to be a serial killer or worse. I mean really, who in their right mind takes a shit under a bed?! Apparently boys do. An older and wiser mother assured me that boys are disgusting like that and it was nothing to worry about. The baby is now 16 (and so far has shown no other signs of serious mental problems) and I hate to admit but I have found myself telling everyone how fast the time goes by and reminiscing about the days they were small. I was so sure that I couldn’t wait for the day they were older, but the little bastards really do grow on you over the years.

I know you barely have time to think but I have enjoyed your blog and books, so keep writing!

Sarah said...

Niiice! Just wait until it happens with both of them in there! And be glad he was horrified and didn't try to eat it instead! Don't push the potty training too hard. You'll just end up frustrated and disappointed. Most boys don't get it until they are 3. But I have a nice Bob the Builder potty seat for you!

Heather said...

Oh my gosh! Hysterically funny and something that I think has happened to everyone with babies who bathe.

kima86 said...

Your story brought a smile to my face and I'm here to definitely say that yes, they do grow up too fast. Being able to tell some horror stories of my own from being the mom of 2 boys (who are now 23 & 19 yrs old), I can really relate to how little boys are when growing up and add that they DO turn into rational adults!

...RuBy..... said...

OMG!! I can so relate as a mom of 6, yes 6!!! i am a total multi tasker. Who has time to sit on the toilet and watch youre child enjoy a bath when we cant even enjoy one..lol...luckily we dont have a tub but let me tell you that poop in the shower also exists and its just as gross!!! when my kids did that they thought it was soooo funny!! yeah not really!!! Great blog! thanx for sharing!

dolls123 said...

Been there done that with two kids. And like someone already said be glad he didn't eat it.

luckydolls123[at]verizon[dot]net

millaa said...

What is the best way to clean that out of a tub anyway? Fortunately I haven't had one of my 4 let completely loose in the tub...yet(amazing huh?). It's usually they've done it somewhere else and have a big chunk left over down there and it rinses out when i'm showering them. They get extra long showers then while I wait and hope that it will just "melt" down and rinse away. Otherwise I break out the tissue.

Deb said...

I still find it amazing that after having children the things that use to gross me out are now just part of everyday life and are no big deal. Parenthood sure does toughen one up, doesn't it. I now know where the saying, "only the strong survive" came from-a parent.

Tanya said...

Hilarious! The first pooh in the tub us was during one of my daguther's 1st baths and there was a lot to clean up and we were definitely in that sleep deprived state of mind~

grams said...

Sorry, but that was funny. I've had to clean the tub out from my granddaughters.

Lee said...

This is why my two year old takes a shower! Loved it!

Brandi said...

Ah yes! One of my twins thinks the tub is th absolutel best place in the world to let it all out! I disenfect my bathtub regulary due to him getting so "relaxed"! I so feel your pain!

Kathleen W. said...

Oh my god, your post was awesomely hilarious!

I can relate, although my poop-tub experience wasn't as funny. My son when he was 9 months, had diarrhea in the bathtub. What a mess! And of course this was the first show of it (otherwise he wouldn't have been in the tub, had we known). I too didn't want to take a bath for weeks, even after cleaning it.

But "Baby Ruths", man, that must have been so funny.

blp3 said...

You are so bad and that is so funny and I feel for you both.

Jennifer said...

My sons are now practically grown up but I can completely relate to the feeling of being exhausted and being home alone with 2 little kids and something happens that requires more energy than you have. Especially when it involves some type of gross cleaning, that was always the worst. At least you can laugh about it now.

Sarah @ Mom Balance said...

Hilarious! I can still remember the first time it happened here, and the horror that ensued.

After experimenting with various containment and decontamination tools, I have now dedicated an older, bent-up mesh strainer from the kitchen to that purpose. Works great...but guess what I think about now every time I strain mixed veggies? (Even with a TOTALLY DIFFERENT STRAINER - I had to find one in a different style to avoid any chance of confusion.)

Anonymous said...

You are one funny lady! I mean, turning a poop story into a funny story is pretty hard to do but YOU did it.. I think everyone who has a child has gone through it at one point or another but it's one of those things that we just don't talk about. lol! Yeah right, treasure the moment, HA!

Peggy said...

So funny ,remember they are still young and wait till you find things your mind can't even imagine!
Going to check the pool for ph balance and something didn't look right. The horror on my face when I found the population of all the frog eggs in the town in my pool. The boys wanting to grow their own,starting a business,I don't know??
We didn't swim that week.

scheherazade said...

"You know, this wouldn't happen if you would just agree to be toilet trained."

My Goodness, I said this just yesterday to The Dude!!

Too funny!

Anonymous said...

My now 4 year old did this every time she took a bath from about 8 months old to about 13 months old I hated it. I started just filling up the tub a little waiting, then I would clean it out and fill it again. She didn't care at all that it was floeating in there with her.

jmolea01 said...

Found you from momlogic... That's a hilarious story! When I was reading it all I heard was the "duh-duh, duh duh..." theme music from Jaws and I was envisioning a pooh slowly drifting towards your terrified son! Thanks for the visual! :-P

Karin said...

Ahh - - Memories. It is one of the reasons that I am soo happy my kids are 17 and 15, and not 2.
Found you from the Mom Logic Coffee Club
Karin

Sara A Broers said...

Kids make our lives VERY interesting, don't they? I an honestly say I have been there-Done that!