Thursday, November 29, 2007
The Far West Peace Talks
With all the brouhaha surrounding the Mideast Peace Talks (a one day meeting of speeches where leaders of various nations decided there will be peace by the end of 2008), I was reminded of the daily struggles for peace between men and women, husbands and wives, selfish jerks and cranky bitches, in the never ending quest for balance in what we call "family life."
There are two sides to every story, unless you're in a marriage, where there are seventeen, depending on the day and who's in therapy. So herewith, straight from the Navel Gazing Academy at Happy Lane Estates, a list of demands - I mean resolutions - from each side:
The senior representative from the Selfish Jerks rises, straightening the tie his wife had dry cleaned and laid out for him last night because he'd otherwise never be able to find it hanging in front of the bathroom mirror:
"We come here in the hope that our differences may be resolved, that we can work together to better understand each other's needs (he struggles with this last word; having difficulty reading his secretary's writing) and live in harmony together, sharing the land known as "our home," in peace."
Several coughs and sighs are emitted from the rows of Cranky Bitches.
"We hereby list, in order of preference, our dema -- (he squints at the paper, frowning at something) "-er, resolution requests:"
One - We request the right to buy whatever we want when at the grocery store, especially if the packaging appeals to us, whether or not it's on the list, on sale, and whether or not the household has a specific and timely need for it.
Two - We request at least a fifteen minute grace period when being called to a meal, unless the meal is held outside the home at a steakhouse.
Three - We request that all pink razors be removed from the floor of the bathtub. We are not stupid, and we know a booby trap when we see one.
Four - We reserve the right to archive select newspapers and magazines in the bathroom for up to one year.
Five - We move to submit the motion that calling to say we'll be late is just as good as being on time.
Six - We request that when dressing the children, outfits are not scrutinized for cleanliness or "matchy-matchyness."
Seven - Finally, when initiating conjugal relations, we respectfully request that the response, "I guess so but can you brush your teeth first?" be stricken from all records.
Polite applause as the lead delegate from the Cranky Bitches rises, smoothing her inappropriately expensive Anthropologie skirt.
"Thank you delegate Hot Stuff. Nice tie. We too come in the hope that in the spirit of our children's futures we can and will work together to resolve our differences, even when it's obvious someone is right and someone else is just being a selfish jerk."
Uncomfortable shifting in chairs is heard, one low whistle echoes across the chamber.
"And so, herewith follow our requests:"
1) We humbly suggest that you do what we ask, when we ask it, without debate or confrontation, and without offering "options."
2) We request that when household flowers / plants appear to be, or are in fact, dead, they be thrown away by the first person who sees them and has in fact, noticed they are no longer alive.
3)Ditto with visible, recent cat vomit, dead spiders and accidents committed by the dog.
4)We hereby move to limit any and all pretense of sleep and excessively loud snoring when a child is crying / whining / asking for a puppy.
5)We humbly suggest that when you ask us how we feel about something and we tell you, that you assume the response is true and non-negotiable.
6)We reserve the right to be emotional, weepy, cranky, tired and generally bitchy at any certain or uncertain time for any and all reasons, due to hormones and various planetary alignments.
Loud cheering and applause by the other bitches; while the Selfish Jerks roll their eyes and exchange knowing glances.
The participants exit their chairs, find their partners, and embrace in one giant though imprecise group hug.
Hot Stuff stands atop his chair, stoking his tie and gazing lovingly at his smartly tailored wife.
"Here's to Getting Some!"
Posted by Tracy McArdle at 10:42 AM